A new Beginning...moving out again

Again I am being tested. Ya Allah, help me to overcome this situation. Ameen. My daughter is moving out tomorrow . I have to make decision fast. Akajon is not wanted in their new rented house. What can I say...I have to find a place of my own in case I chose not to stay with them. All because I have to bring Akajon to stay together with me  but then I do not know whether he will agree to this plan...Ya Allah, soften his heart and make things easy for all of us..ameen.

No internet Day

Internet connection was downed the whole day and night yesterday (Sunday) Akajon was very talkative.He must be relieved to know that I do not mind of him coming home very late after zuhur every Saturday and Sunday while having a skype chat with his other wife.I am getting used to this situation now. I am a bit skeptical as to why he is so keen to kinda force me to persuade my brother to complete the process of inheritance. The way he expressed himself  was unexpectedly alarming and dangerously sly. Maybe I am wrong but I have to be wise to handle this situation so that no one is hurt in the process. I am trying my very best to do good to others. I expect no reward from them. Ya Allah, help me be strong..Ameen.

Today I called him. No answers. 

Torn apart..

Akajon mentioned this this to me after coming back from zuhur prayer today. It seems that he will be occupied during this time every saturday and sunday  and he feels torn apart because I have to wait for him in the house for long hours. Hermmmm..Men will go all out to win a woman's heart but once he reached his goals he will find another woman to satisfy his lust and desire.Akajon is no exception...He loves to be surrounded with beautiful women...

I dyed my hair with henna today. I am still trying to look pretty in his eyes. I have a litle bit of headache too.I am trying to help him to find a job...

Another week passes by

I am hoping this week would be a better week for me. I am still struggling . I dont have much saving left in my bank account. Bills need to be settled. Ya Allah...help us ..Ameen..

To be or not to be

Human err, we made lots of mistakes in our lives but quickly we rectify our mistakes and seek forgiveness.You and I are no exceptions. I do not know what is eating you up lately.I have done my level best not to hurt you but as at to date I can see that it bears no fruits. You are even more reserve and chose to be quiet. Allah is never rofil in whatever  we do...I ask Allah to protect you and me from the deception of the shayateen...Ameen. Something is bothering you and it clearly shows in your actions and reactions.To be or not to be ...you have the choice..I am waiting....For whatever path you choose, I know Allah is Most Merciful and Most Kind to his servants.

I am still hoping you and I will live in a better environment biiznillah. Do not despair and lose hope...I keep telling myself to be strong...Ya Allah..please help me overcome this situation ..Ameen..Always raising both my hands seeking Allah s guidance and His Mercy...

Another Day Passes BY

First half the day is extreme dry and hot weather but in the afternoon the sky is black and rain start pouring down heavily on the dry soil. Subhanallah. I guess my life is similar to this scenario..sometimes I feel so down and sometimes I feel alright.

Quite a busy day for me. Followed my X to hospital Putrajaya to send in the urine sample .Then we went to fetch my daughter at Sunway Hospital in Subang. Later, I followed my x again to fetch my eldest daughter back from work.

I am tired and sleepy now. I want to hit the sack now...Assalamualaikum and goodnight everyone..
Thank you Ya Allah for making this day a good day for me. No stress..no worries...

Postmortem - an analysis of events after its over

I went back last Friday night to be with Akajon in Subang . I bought some groceries. I am not sure what to expect from him. So, better to expect the unexpected.Today is Monday, I need to go back to Shah Alam. I was having a general conversation with him  while walking towards the bus stop.He was moody and wearing a very tight expression on his cloudy face.He was very upset of what I have just said to him earlier. No intentions to hurt his feelings but damages already done. He was scolding and letting me know what he felt  about me right at the bus stop like a small child. I said Shayateen was in his blood and making him negligence. He quickly replied I was the one who is being tricked by the was was of shayateen and I transmitted  this diseases to him.I was dumbfounded. Alhamdulillah, I managed to control my emotions.

I am back in Shah Alam..
I have to do a postmortem to reflect myself . This is a big test from Allah. I believe I fail miserably .I did not realize till now that I have done huge damages  to Akajon. He accused me of being disrespectful to him as my husband. It brought tears to my eyes hearing and swallowing all this bitter accusation on me. He blamed me from the beginning of this event. I quickly admitted my mistakes and seek forgiveness from him. I know deep in my heart that I was also a victim of circumstances. but now it does not matter to me anymore. I have to give in to save our marriage. Now I begin to understand why he is cold towards me. I hurt him...I am sorry...I was hurt too...It happened too fast. You got married and I have to bear every single thing that went wrong along the way.This is new to me..perhaps I do not know how to react to this kind of situation. You must give me the chance  as I gave you the chance to be with that woman for the past two weeks. It was not an easy task for me to shoulder.. You are still communicating with her every single day. I feel jealous but I suppress it as soon as it resurface in my heart. I am struggling to adapt to this new episode . Everything now seem different to me. Ya Allah ..help me overcome this situation and make it easy for all of us..Ameen.

Still.. I am not sure now whether he used to be the man I knew 10 years ago or a complete changed person...time really flies...

Astagfirullahil azim

                                                  إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ

I think Akajon will never change. He is too self centered and thick headed. I have the feelings he was talking to That woman after Zuhur time. He did not return home till 3.30 p.m. What the heck he is up to...My mind is wandering...or perhaps he was having a long converasation with his mother. Only Allah knows. Suddenly I feel tired ... enough is enough....He is blind not to see what I have done for him...so much sacrifices...so much pain....I can feel that his heart is unstable and unfocus. The only cure for him and for me too is to turn to back to Allah to seek repentence and forgiveness. Ya Allah.. help me.... help him too...

No more count down but things have changed...

Somehow or rather my feelings towards Akajon is changing. He is to be blamed for my actions and reactions. I know there will be time when he will be busy again entertaining and focusing his attention to that woman whom now he already called his wife despite she is thousand miles away from him, I know during that time, I will be hurt and upset. I have to control my emotions from now on. I feel different now when I am with him..He look lost. I feel more sensitive and tend to get emotionally upset over petty stuff.. I am confused.My heart is torn in between. 

The Sixteen Day

The last day has finally arrive.Someone is leaving and someone is returning back home this very day.What a coincidence.I am in Penang now at my brother"s home. We are getting ready to greet my brother and his wife from the Bayan Lepas International Airport . His flight is due to land at 2.30 p.m. Hafiza  bought nasi kandaq for breakfast. Quite tasty. Later we we will have small kenduri kesyukuran . My sister and her husband will be cooking for the occassion.

Akajon and his wife are preparing to leave town soon but I learnt from him that she is still not well. I  know that Akajon will accompany her all the way to the airport tonight. What happen to her ? I hope she can return safely back home bringing back sweet memories with her to share with the rest of her family members in England and Italy. I dont know what to expect from Akajon. I myself not to sure about this . I will try to analyze the situation and act accordingly.Ya Allah, help me ..Ameen. Again and again I got upset because Akajon ignored all my messages. I accused him of being unjust and unfair. He seek forgiveness from me but I am very hurt now...I am not ready to forgive him now...

The fithteen day

Today is my family trip to Penang. Alhamdulillah , we arrived safely .Went to my sister"s house . Rested there there until Magreb. Later we had dinner at Padang Brown. Reached my brother"s home around midnight. Quite exhausted but happy to be back in my hometown. Akajon told me that his wife was not well . She complaint of chest pain. I think she is not well due to the change climate and consuming foreign food..
Until now, I feel that Akajon is only focusing his life on her...I feel hurt when I think about this whole situation..Only Allah can help me regain my sanity...

The Fourteenth Day

Alhamdulillah I managed to complete the sewing last night.Took KTM. Sent the gifts before zuhur prayer. I came back and started sewing another dress .Hanna's blouse. I completed it before magrib. Alhamdulillah. Samira sent me a message. She seemed happy to receive the presents I gave her via Akajon.

Blessed The thirteenth day

Today is Thursday, I followed my xhubby to the bank. Later I baked a cake.Went to Jakyll to buy materials. Alhamdulillah I managed to sticth one abaya for  her mother. I am a bit tired . Akajon talked with me too. I am happy.Alhamdulillah..Alhamdulillah..

The Disastrous Twelveth Day

It went well in the morning until I messaged to ask Akajon whether I can see them tomorrow. I wanted to give his wife a gift. She has been kind to me. She gave me a box of chocolates, a silk scarf and pins and a recipe notebook.Akajaon was not responding to my text messages. I called again and again . No answer. Dead silent. I hated him for doing this to me.He never acted this weird .His message arrived aster 5.00 p.m. I am very disappointed and upset. I lashed out to him left and right. His excused was he was having a rest in the masjid, so he silent his mobile. He wrote , You, try to come down...How can I calm down when he is mistreating me.I feel that he is a changed man. He transformed into an alien.I cannot see him as a man I know 10 years ago.I was taken aback by his cold reactions he has been showing to me lately.My love for him is slowly dying.I am trying to hold on to this shaky relationship. Ya Allah, help me ..I am very weak and vulnerable...Ya Allah..give me the patience and the strength to overcome this situation.. Ameen. After solat Magrib, I felt much better, I sent message to Akajon. asking him to forgive me. Until at this very moment, I still think that his mind is unstable, too much thinking about this dunya matters making him neglect his duties and resposiblities as a servant of Allah The All Powerful The All Mighty...At least now, I have a peace of mind...

The Eleventh Day

I was excited last night . I woke up around 5 a.m. the next morning and started ironing my clothes. I invited Hanna to follow me. I am glad that she agreed..WE reached KL Sentral around 9 a.m.Hanna and I waited for their arrival at MAC Dee for a while.It was still early as the agreed time is at 9.30 a.m. Then I decided to stand nearby the LRT exit point. Afterwards we went to the toilet.When we walked out from the ladies room, Akajon and his wife were searching for us. I saw them holding hands together .Hmmm.. very loving couple.

Akajon took all of us to KFC but I did not like it as I enjoy drinking tea at Mamak Restaurant instead. We ended up at one of the restaurant just opposite the road.Hanna ordered ghee tose so did his wife, Samira. I just ordered a glass of ginger tea. Afterwards we took lrt train and headed to Masjid Jamek station.His wife did  some shopping at Jalan Masjid India. Later we prayed  zuhur at Masjid Jamik situated opposite the main road.His wife took the opportunity to ask me lots of questions about him.I openly told her what she wanted to know. No hidden agenda. We went back to KL Sentral for our lunch. Time really flies.We had a bowl of hand made noodles each.We parted asar time. She kissed my cheeks and bade farewell.Hanna and I went to pray asar and took the KTM train back home.

I feel tired but happy because finally Allah gave me the chance to meet her in person. She is a smart matured woman and knows what she wanted.All  I can conclude for now is that both of us are not strangers anymore. Alhamdulillah...

The second week...tenth day and still counting..

Akajon finally sent me messages. From my gut feelings, I can smell that something not right somewhere. Perhaps maybe due to the reason that he wanted to loan money from that woman whom he just got married to.For whatever reasons, I better not waste my time try to figure out what transpired between him and that woman. I replied his messages. I asked him to meet me up.Still waiting for his reply.I hope I get a positive response.

I am feeling much better now. Thank you Ya Allah.

I just finished baking a cake. Hmmm..still no reply... wonder what happened to him....Time is really running out for me. Now is half past two.

My patience has thin out. I called him numerous times. Allah made him pick up his phone. Allah Akbar. I blurted out to him like a speeding torpedo.Whatever in my mind. I just let it go.I reminded him that Allah will judge him on yaumul qiyamah. Out of excitement, I forgot to ask him whether his wife was around. He spoke as if someone was also listening, Then when I asked him, yes, that woman was there tagging beside him.He said he had a restless night last night. His wife having period.What a combination. Allah Akbar.Thank you Ya Allah. You know what is in my breast.He told his wife i would turn up .His wife got upset because I could not make it to see them last Saturday.I dont understand why he must agrees on my behalf assuming that I will come. Of course I will get upset so does his wife.What a foolish thing to do. I said he has no guts and no balls for being so weak when it comes to woman affairs.Then later he agreed to meet me at KL Sentral tomorrow morning, insha allah.
I will wear all black,,,insha allah... Alhamdulillah...Ya Allah make strong... make me look good in your eyes and in his eyes and in his wife's eyes..ameen

The Nineth Day

Today is Sunday. I made cucur udang for lunch for my family.Later I cooked rice pilov. Today is my rest day.I beautify myself . Alhamdulillah. One week passes by. One more week to go before she leaves for England. insha allah. Perhaps by that time, Akajon will not be too occupied when she returns. Allahu alam

The Eighth Day

Alhamdulillah, I am coping with this current situation quite well.I think I get immune for being hurt so many times by Akajon.He did not sent me any more messages after his last call yesterday afternoon went unanswered.In a way. I felt disappointed with myself for sending him the text yesterday morning, I got carried away while watching Richard Gere movie. I need to be more wise in future.

The Seventh Day

I was watching  Dark Knight where Richard Gere acted as the hero. My heart melted to see him. I reached my mobile phone and text Akajon ." I love you sayang..". He replied " I love you too".We exchanged messages.It did not turn out as I expected it to be. Knowing Akajon too well, I can predict what his answer would be so I tested him with an unexpected question. From his reply, I can see that he is weak and vulnerable..He loves this woman and afraid he might lose her if he succumb to my request.My heart felt pain and betrayed.I must be strong not to entertain his messages or calls after this..Ya Allah, help me....My heart is bleeding again....

The Sixth Day..

I have been analyzing my situation and thinking very hard to find a solution to solve it. Today I realized that I still cannot pacify my heart which is still bleeding . I try not to over react or jump the gun. This morning my son asked me about Akajon. How strange I thought that he should asked me as he was leaving for work. Perhaps someone has leaked the information about my current situation to him. Nevertheless, I felt my spirit rise.
While I was charging my mobile phone upstairs this afternoon, he made two phone calls.I was not aware as I was enjoying my lunch downstairs. He also sent me messages saying I was not responding and he also asked whether I am interested to see them on Saturday.. I am not replying...Another call right before azan isya..I immediately presses on the red color button.

The fifth day....

At this moment I feel like time is ticking too slow . I did not realize that someone whom I have known for over 20 years noticed a sudden change in me. I was no more talkative as usual. Yesterday, He asked around to gather information what went wrong. Something unpleasant also happened yesterday between my daughter and me and that story became the focus of my family attention without knowing that I have a more and serious situation which I cannot openly talk to any one of them.

Today is a quiet day for me. I am contemplating whether to see that woman or brush it aside for good. Akajon has not written anything yet.For some strange reason, I feel I need to look after myself more in term of my health and my look. Perhaps, I want to please Akajon and prove to him  that I am still attractive despite my age. People say, age is only a number. I can agree on that one.But on the hand, what the heck...I be myself .

I am not going to disturb him for a while.Let time passes by and see what develops next .More challenging for me than probing into his daily life . No longer I desire to know what he is doing blah..blah..It doesn't matter to me no more.

Finally a message popped in just right before asar time.." Are you alright?'

The fourthday...

Akajon had the mood to talk last night. I insisted that he asked his new wife to agree to see me at an appointed date. After a while , he replied that she agreed.But the fact is I am cooling down now and I am not to sure whether I should proceed with seeing her or just to let it go.Right before Isya today he sent me a message asking me how I am..And I dont feel oblighed to give an answer right away. He has hurt me earlier by ignoring my messages.Now is payback time.

Alhamdulillah, today I am more compose and relax. I dont want to think about this anymore. I have had good and bad memory while living with Akajon as his wife.Perhaps That woman wont be able to spot his weakness yet as it has only been 4 days and 4 nights they are staying together as a married couple.I believe I know Akajon inside out and his weakness and strength, his likes and dislikes..

I read a lot of articles about poligamy. A lot of women around the world are in the same boat like me. I respected and salute them for being brave and patient in going through this difficult phase.I hope and pray for all those sisters out there .May Allah give us the patience and persevarance.